


(P.)O.(b).S.E.S.S.I.O.N.

by AsagiStilinski



Series: YOI Spooky Week 2019 [12]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Supernatural Elements, Alternate Universe - Writing & Publishing, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, Character's Name Spelled as Yuri, Dark, Dark fic, Dreams and Nightmares, Established Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov, Established Relationship, Eventual Otabek Altin/Yuri Plisetsky, Gen, Hospitalization, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Insecure Yuri Plisetsky, Light Horror, M/M, Meet-Cute, Night Terrors, Nightmares, Obsession, Obsessive Behavior, Otabek Altin is a fan of Yuri Plisetsky's, Psychological Drama, Psychological Horror, Self-Harm, Supernatural Elements, Supportive Victor Nikiforov, Writers, Yuri Plisetsky Needs a Hug, Yuri Plisetsky Swears, but not much of it, non-traditional self-harm, self-harming Yuri Plisetsky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-23 12:17:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21320062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AsagiStilinski/pseuds/AsagiStilinski
Summary: As a rising talent in the horror feild, Yuri Plisetsky is on top of the world.... or he would be, anyway, if he didn't keep having to struggle to stay awake at night so he could workEventually he starts to find ways of acheiving his goal and finishing all of his work, the problem is, those actions are going to have consequences, sooner or later....
Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov, Otabek Altin/Yuri Plisetsky
Series: YOI Spooky Week 2019 [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1530083
Comments: 3
Kudos: 35
Collections: Yuri!!! on Ice Spooky Week 2019





	(P.)O.(b).S.E.S.S.I.O.N.

**Author's Note:**

> Day seven, part one- "horror"
> 
> Originally I had a much more traditional idea of "horror" in mind for this prompt but when I started thinking about this instead I thought it would serve well for a more subtle take on the theme
> 
> **Please be warned that the fic contains implied and referenced self-harm and referenced suicide attempts in more than one spot**

Yuri Plisetsky has climbed to the top of his feild as a horror writer in record time

At the delicate age of eighteen, his first novel, "Stone Creek", hit the best-seller lists in twelve different countries

He surpassed the record for "Longest period of time a single horror novel has spent on a best-seller list", previously held by Viktor Nikiforov, before he turned nineteen, and now, as the word hits the airwaves that his second novel is already in production, the world wonders what Yuri will do next

Yuri doesn't wonder

Yuri had known since he was fifteen

When he first started getting serious about becoming a horror writer, he had started to compile a notebook full of ideas for novels, short stories, and even screenplays that he wanted to do, many of them based off of his dreams- his nightmares

By the time he turned sixteen, he was cracking open his third notebook to christen it with another idea

Yuri was blessed with incredible inspiration

He was even more blessed than Viktor Nikiforov, who had openly admitted to being slower than Yuri on a few occasions, and especially as he got older...

He had admitted a few years ago that, for a time, he had had writer's block, and couldn't write anything to save his life

Then he'd met the man who would become his husband- ironically also named Yuri, ironically also a horror writer, but this time for children rather than adults- and inspiration had flowed for him like a fountain once again

But Yuri still prided himself on the broken record and all the times Viktor had admitted to being slower than Yuri, less detailed, not packing as much of a punch

Each confirmation that Yuri was better than he was stroked his ego in a way that made him feel like he could rule the world

Maybe he could, if he put enough effort into it...

That was another project for another time though

Really what he needed to focus on was getting the second book done

His publisher was breathing down his neck about it and his fans were practically biting his ankles with anticipation for his next work, everyone around him wanted more, and as a writer, he couldn't possibly ask for more

After all, as a writer, being beloved and wanted by people was legitimately how he made a living, because if people hated him, or worse, if they were _bored_ or uninterested in him, then his career would be over

He had to keep people interested

He had to make people want him- _all the time_

And the only way to do _that_ was to keep producing content

Keep going, over and over again, keep going until there' nothing left

Until there's nothing left....

Luckily he would never run out of inspiration, between his imagination and his nightmares, he had enough material to fill a lifetime already

He had promised his publisher not only a completed manuscript, but also the outlined plans for three more books in return for enhancing his publishing package and generating more advertisement for him

Now here he was, staring at his computer screen and trying everything he possibly could to stay awake

He needed to finish this chapter tonight... just... just finish this one chapter and he'd be on schedule....

He only needed another two thousand words or so, he could write that with one hand tied behind his back, but he just.... he couldn't stay awake

And he had already tried all of the usual techniques- caffeine, loud music, even sucking on ice cubes, but they had all failed in the long term, each only lasting for a few minutes at a time before his mind just fucking _blacked out_ on him

Panting softly as he put serious effort into keeping his eyes open, he reached shakily out for his drink, or maybe it was his cup of ice, he wasn't sure...

If only he could spread the cold throughout more than just his mouth...

Though now that he thought about it, he hadn't gotten the mail earlier, maybe he should do that, it was raining... what if there was a package outside getting wet?

He didn't care that it was three A.M., he didn't want his shit getting ruined, and stepping outside to get some fresh <strike>cold</strike> air would be good for him

So he hurried to get out of bed, disturbing the cat as he headed groggily down the stairs and stared outside

It wasn't raining that hard.... he didn't want to bother with an umbrella

With that in mind, he headed out, letting out a trembling breath at the feeling of the cold night air and the even colder rain pelting down on him

The rain felt like little ice shards dropping down against him, and it was incredibly... _refreshing_

Biting his tongue, he headed out to the mailbox, his limbs shaking as he walked, the rain practically ripping through his t-shirt and shorts and his bare feet definitely taking the brunt of the damage

There were no packages, but he was glad he went out

When he got in he changed into dry clothes, wiped his feet, and went right back to writing

He managed to crank out another thousand words before he started feeling sleepy again, but he still needed a little longer...

Just another half hour... _please_ just another half hour...

Biting his tongue harder, he went downstairs and turned down the heat, making sure that it was nearly completely off, the house was chilly even on a good day, making extra heat a necessity, but if he turned it off completely like this...

He got out that other thousand before he crashed, feeling satisfied as his mind finally went blank

Five hours later he woke to the sound of his front door opening

_"Yurka, it's like an ice box in here! What are you trying to do, store meat?"_

Beaming, Yuri scrambled to get up, rushing downstairs and crashing into his grandfather

"Grandpa!! I finished the chapter like I said I would, want to read it?!"

"Ofcourse _moy malen'kiy utenok_, but why do you have the house so cold? Is your heat out?"

"O-Oh no no, I just... I just got hot in the middle of the night, that's all,"

His grandfather smiled and went to turn the heat up, and Yuri sighed with releif

He was on schedule, and he had even gotten some sleep

He could do this

He _knew_ he could do this

~+~

A few nights later, Yuri found himself in the same position as before

With another chapter needing to be done by morning, he found himself falling asleep

He had gone downstairs on the couch to write and was waiting on the room to cool off, having just turned down the heat again, but he couldn't even sit up anymore, he had resorted to laying down completely, one leg hanging off of the couch, foot swinging back and forth a little as he tried to force himself to keep his eyes open and write

He had forgotten that he still had his shoes on, and he hadn't noticed that his cat had followed him into the living room and was currently sitting on the other end of the couch, watching his swaying laces like they were mice

Just as he was starting to doze off, dangerously close to dropping his laptop, the cat jumped forward, her little claws sinking into his leg as she launched herself at the laces

"AHH!! FUCK!! _POTYA_! Mother_FUCKER_ that fucking HURTS!" he screamed, setting the laptop down and cursing a few times under his breath as he reached down to peel the cat off of him and rip off his shoes, tossing them across the room so she could play with the laces if she so desired

"Fuck fuck..." he grumbled, panting softly

Well... atleast that had given him a good jolt of awakeness...

He only had a few hundred more words to write, he had a second wind now, and he could finish without even needing to wait on the house to cool down

~+~

The next time he needed to stay awake, he had immediately resorted to coffee, but it wasn't the caffeine that helped him

He had been so desperate for a sip of it that he had barely waited on it to finish brewing before pouring himself a cup, taking an immediate sip and trying to ignore the burn on his tongue and down his throat

The pain was enough to bring tears to his eyes...

But it was also enough for him to finish typing up his outline

~+~

Three weeks after his initial trip into the rain, Yuri was left needing to write a full five thousand more words before sunrise, a considerably harder task than before

To make matters worse, it was a clear night- and a warm one at that- and there was no cold rain to go soak in, the cold house wasn't helping and Potya seemed uninterested in his laces, too busy sleeping, and the coffee just wasn't enough, even at a burning temperature...

If he couldn't get his solution from accidents, he'd have to manufacture his own opportunities then

So, with only a bit of reluctance, he stripped out of his clothes and stepped into the shower, turning the dial all the way to the furthest end of "cold"... and turning the water on

The freezing water hitting him made him scream, saying it was "uncomfortable" was putting it mildly, and he found himself curling in on himself, trying to atleast keep his more sensitive bits out of the spray... before realizing that that was counterproductive and forcing himself to stand still, pressing his hands against the wall in front of him, letting the water pelt down on his head and drip down his face

He was shaking within minutes, having stood under the spray for roughly the amount of time he had been outside that first night, before finally turning the water off and stumbling out of the shower

He dried off sloppily, only taking the majority of the water off of his skin before tying up his wet hair and putting on nothing but his underwear and a loose t-shirt and going to sit under the fan

He got through about two more hours of writing like that before he started feeling the sleepiness crawling back

The coffee wasn't helping, and the warmth of the drink was actually being counterproductive against the cold air around him, so he had to find something else with better effects

So he headed into the kitchen and picked up a bag of spicey cheese crackers

Eating those worked for as long as the bag lasted but barely any longer, and he still had two thousand words left...

Potya was sleeping across the room, he knew he wouldn't be able to lure her over to jump on him again, but.... _but_....

Frustrated, he started to dig his own nails into his leg and dragged them upwards over and over again

He scratched himself as many times as it took, and everytime he felt his head starting to get foggy he just curled his fingers into his palm and pressed down as hard as he could

By the time he fell asleep, there were harsh, red scratch marks on his legs, and little crescent moon shapes in his palms

But he had finished his writing, he was caught up

~+~

At the store the next day, Yuri picked up a set of decorative spiky metal balls and a few different types of spicy food, from spicy snacks to raw peppers and hot sauce

He didn't actually like spicy food as a general rule but....

He didn't like energy drinks either, yet had gotten two cases of _those_

Anything that he needed to stay awake in a pinch

He bought sugary pastries and ice cream, a desktop fan, and a new set of headphones that were supposedly guaranteed to make sound quality better than the competitors

He started working in the living room more and more often, sitting and laying uncomfortably on the floor, knowing that anything that might make him feel comfortable would only succeed in putting him to sleep

He tried to watch creepy and disturbing things online, anything that might give him a jolt, but with his high tolerance for horror media and scary things in general it didn't do much, in fact, he found with irritation that sometimes it actually put him to sleep rather than kept him up

That was the problem with being a horror fan, there comes a point when horror can sometimes become comforting, and Yuri had hit that point years ago...

Oh well, he tried a different tactic, starting to play the most annoying songs and irritating videos he could find instead

That didn't last long, so instead he switched to comedy, wich helped on and off, only when he was in a good enough mood to actually find it funny

After about a week of only utilizing his energy drinks, headphones, and the desk top fan, Yuri started implementing more of his newest acquisitions

He poured himself a shot glass of hot sauce, one night at two A.M., with _half_ of a fucking outline to finish, and chugged it back

He kept the little spiked balls next to him on the coffee table, and whenever he started feeling sleepy, he'd pick one up and squeeze it, not hard enough to break skin- they weren't even sharp enough for that, really- but enough to leave the shapes imprinted in his skin

He kept the lights on bright

He kept the music up loud

He felt tears pricking his eyes as he bit into raw peppers and did shots of hot sauce

But every night, every _fucking_ night that he ran late, he was successfull in keeping himself awake long enough to finish his work

Two months after his initial walk in the rain, he had discovered that short bursts of exercise were also a good way to keep himself awake

At four in the morning, he turned on _Imagine Dragons_ as loud as he could stand it, a dull ache in his head, as he forced himself to his feet and settled the laptop comfortably in the center of the coffee table

He had done ballet when he was younger, always as a hobby, and he found it to be a great way to wake himself up when he needed it

He spun around the living room and stretched his muscles

He shouted the song at the top of his lungs to further exert himself, further keep himself going, and the louder he sang, the faster he danced, twirling and jumping in and out of actual choreography, trying to avoid the coffee table at all costs

But doing ballet when he was that tired, his mind only half on his moves and half on keeping up with the song, was an accident in the making, and he found himself spinning a little too close to the coffee table with his foot extended and aimed right at his laptop

Cursing, he hurried to change trajectory, but it was too late and he stumbled, his face slamming into the fireplace mantel as he fell backwards and onto the floor

His face bruised like a peach, but it was nothing a little make up couldn't take care of, and the dull throbbing plus the extra rush of adrenaline was enough to keep him going for another hour

~+~

The next time he needed a boost that wouldn't come from anything else, he steadied himself in front of the doorframe of his bedroom, inhaled, and thrashed his head forward as hard as he could

~+~

Yuri would never do anything _extreme_, ofcourse

He looked at articles about cutting and self-suffocation and even burning, but he decided all of that was too far for him

He did, however, apply it to his charectors, so atleast he hadn't wasted any time there

He would never go that far, he told himself

But he was staring at the open flame of the stove where a pot of rice was cooking, and he found himself with the sudden urge to stick his hand into the boiling water

~+~

He would never do anything that stupid, but if he grabbed a pan from the oven without oven mits on, was it the worst thing?

~+~

He would never be that reckless, but if he happened to slip wile shaving his legs in the shower, and the razor just so happened to cut into his skin, well...

That was just an accident, right?

~+~

He didn't have a death wish, that was the thing, and doing crazy shit like throwing himself down the stairs or trying to suffocate himself.... that's what those were, right?

Those were suicide attempts, they had to be

But if he happened to drop a baseball bat on his foot....

Well, that didn't do any _real_ harm, right?

~+~

"What did you do to your hand!?"

Oh.. right...

He'd forgotten that he had to bandage it the night before after dropping one of the spiked balls on it and... _well_, as it so happens, apparently those things _can_ break skin

"Just an accident," he muttered back as he slammed the flashdrive down in front of his publisher with a forced smirk

"Three outlines and the completed manuscript- _bam_,"

"Very good Yura, did you get my email about the proposal?"

"Yeah... doing like uh... some sorta Inktober ish shit and releasing a new short story connected to the novel every day in March to build up the release? I can do that,"

He'd get started on them now, he would almost certainly be working on his next novel by then so...

"Yakov, I'm not sure that's such a good idea,"

Glaring over his shoulder at the other man, Yuri sneered

"Shut up Viktor, it isn't your decision to make,"

"No but I know how stressfull those things can get and-"

"And _what_?!? Just because YOU can't handle it doesn't mean I can't!"

"That isn't what I said,"

"Just fuck off,"

Viktor narrowed his eyes, the concern from earlier, when he had asked about Yuri's hand, was gone now, and replaced by annoyance

"Yura, I'm just trying to help-"

"Well don't,"

"I'm worried about you!!"

"Why!?"

"Because you look like you aren't sleeping and you're injured!"

"It isn't an 'injury', I shut my hand in the car door, bastard!" Yuri snapped in return

God did he hate it when he had an appointment right after Viktor's, the blue-eyed bitch always stayed late to talk Yakov's ear off about his husband and they always ran into eachother....

"Yura-"

"Vitya," Yakov interrupted

"Leave the boy alone, he's fine, he can handle it, _clearly_,"

Viktor absolutely _blanched_

Yuri felt vindicated

~+~

So holiday parties fucking sucked, but Yuri couldn't say no

The problem, he had found, with traditional publishers was that Yakov basically controlled him when it came to things like publicity

But traditional publishing was all he had, he couldn't have afforded to go through self-publishing or hybrid publishing so in an act of desperation he had signed a contract with an agent, Lilia, who had promised to help him get where he needed to be, and _now_...

The benefits were worth it to him

Even if he hadn't signed a multi-year contract with Yakov's publishing company, he could never go back to trying to promote himself and get into bookstores and things like that on his own, now that he'd experienced shit like publishing packages and signing tours

Viktor had tried to warn him off of it early on but Yuri wasn't buying it, just because Viktor's husband had managed to succeed in hybrid publishing, that didn't mean Yuri wanted to, and the _other_ Yuri- the children's writer who had stolen Viktor's heart like a theif in the night- had to work his ass off promoting himself

Wich was especially unfortunate for him considering that he had the self-confidence of a radish and it was often up to the people around him to talk him up after the quiet, jittery man himself utterly _failed_

Yuri wouldn't be that

He wouldn't be like him

He was too good to let himself succumb to that, and his family needed him far too much

Unlike the other Yuri who wrote as a secondary career, wile helping his family's local inn as his priority, Yuri Plisetsky couldn't let himself be lowered to doing anything but writing

He didn't.... _have_ anything else

He wasn't _worth_ anything else

And Viktor may have the name and the clout to allow him to change publishers after a decade of writing but Yuri didn't, not yet anyway

Viktor was crazy for that shit anyway, abandoning publishing packages and upfront pay for self-promotion and the uncertainty of royalty checks because it would give him more freedom and power over his own work...

Yuri loved his writing, but at the end of the day, it was _writing_ that he loved and his _stories_ were secondary, and if Yakov needed something changed.....

He'd suck it up

Viktor was too fucking stubborn to play the game like that and it was a wonder to Yuri that he had ever survived in it in the first place

Anyway, holiday parties sucked, but here he was two weeks before Christmas at a joint-signing party with a few other local authors put on by one of the bookstores in the area

Viktor was celebrating the release of his newest book wile Yuri was gearing up for the release of his, and Viktor's husband had just published a _set_

Yuri could barely stand watching as Viktor practically ignored his own book, letting people come by and handle it themselves, only speaking when spoken to and answering questions instead of encouraging people to ask them, wile fawning all over his husband like a lonely dog and damn near screaming at anyone who walked by to check out "Yuri's magnificent new series!!"

_Gross_

"You're Yuri Plisetsky, aren't you?"

Glancing away from his annoyance at the situation, Yuri's peridot green eyes locked with a gorgeous set of deep browns, and his heart fluttered just a little

"Um... yeah?"

The man in front of him- a pretty guy with a square jaw and an undercut- smiled just slightly and set a book down in front of Yuri

_Oh_

He already had a copy of the book

That... was unusual, most people who attended these things came in fresh and bought a book with Yuri just signing it as a bonus...

But this guy was already a fan?

"I wanted to thank you for writing this,"

...

What?

"Um, thank _you_ for buying it?" he replied slowly, reaching out to pull the book closer so he could sign it

"No, I mean it," the stranger said with seriousness

"I came out to my parents because of this book,"

.......

_Oh_

"Did it... go well...?" Yuri asked quietly, hesitantly

"Yeah, it... went really well, but I don't know how much longer I would have lived in the closet if I hadn't read your book,"

"That's.... I'm glad I could help,"

"You helped more than you could ever realize, I.... had a hard time once I realized I was gay, I'm from Kazakhstan, I know you're Russian so... you probably have a bit of an idea,"

"Oh trust me, I have ideas, what do you think inspired _Stone Creek_?" he snorted back, opening the book and grabbing his pen

"I figured if anyone would understand... but, still, I just.... can I ask you something? How did you get the courage to come out when you were so young? I um... I'm a big fan of your's so I've heard your story..."

The stranger reached up and rubbed the back of his neck, and as he did, Yuri noticed a small semi-colon tattoo on the inside of his wrist

Yuri's mouth went dry

So _that_ was what he meant when he said Yuri would never understand how bad it had been for him....

"Um... I guess I just.... well, my grandpa is SUPER supportive, he's the one who raised me and moved us here when I came out... but... I don't think my parents would have gotten it if they'd.. ya' know... stuck around... I guess I was just confident that he would support me and didn't care what anybody else thought, my freedom in self-expression is the most important thing to me in the world so if something is stepping on that then I'll step on it right back,"

"Wich is why you wrote a fantasy novel about a young gay guy killing his oppressors," the stranger smirked

"It's _horror_, actually," Yuri snickered

"Well, to _me_, it's a fantasy, trust me,"

Yuri couldn't help himself, a laugh bubbled up through his throat at that

"Ya' know something? I can agree with that,"

The stranger laughed a little in return, and Yuri felt the most unbelievable wave of calm and happiness wash over him, in ways that he just couldn't describe

"So what's your name Stranger? I need to know who to make this out to,"

"Otabek,"

Ah... that was a nice name, not that Yuri was actually ballsy enough to say that

Just because he liked to have his freedom, that didn't mean he automatically said anything that came to mind, and he didn't want to risk sounding like he was flirting with a fan

"You know, I'm surprised to hear you say that thing about self-expression," Otabek mused as Yuri started signing the book

"Hm? Why's that?"

"Viktor Nikiforov said the same thing a few years ago, I didn't think you two liked eachother very much since he went through that publisher change, I never see anything in your interveiws or anything about him,"

Yuri shrugged a little, not interested in explaining the situation

"A Viktor fan huh?"

"Some, his books got me through alot, but.... your's is just.... it's my favorite possession,"

Yuri's grip on the pen tightened, he could feel his heart swelling, he didn't know what to do with that...

"That's.... damn you're nice," he snorted, glancing up as he handed the book back to Otabek

"Do you... want to stay a wile? I mean I don't know if you've got plans but... I just turned in my newest manuscript if you want to hear about it,"

The way Otabek's eyes lit up- even if his expression remained mostly the same- had Yuri's heart _soaring_

"I'd love to, but... are you sure that's ok? Aren't you busy?"

"Do you see a line?" Yuri snorted back, nodding to the empty space behind Otabek

"Pull up a chair, Beka, let's talk horror,"

~+~

Yuri let himself have a little free time

He let himself take more time away from writing, let himself have a social life with Otabek- and by "social" he mostly meant "dating"

He let himself spend more of his time away from the computer and thanks to Otabek's encouragement, he even picked up painting as a hobby

He still worked hard but atleast he let himself _rest_ too

That was a decision he came to regret when Valentine's Day came and went and he realized that he had spent more of his time writing short peices for Otabek and working on a secondary novel his publisher hadn't approved of yet than working on his actual commitments

But...

He didn't want to stop either

He had been so inspired by Otabek that he wanted to write a book just for him, he wanted it to be published by Otabek's next birthday- Halloween, of all blessed days

But he had promised Yakov another novel by June and those short stories during March...

He hadn't realized just how far behind he was until he went to approve of the book cover right after Valentine's Day and Yakov reminded him of everything

After that, Yuri began to sink again

He started falling back into old habbits, and the rest and relaxation his body had been getting for the last couple of months came to an abrupt end

He still kept up with spending time with Otabek, he pushed himself harder and harder to stay awake and focused so that he could do it all

So that he could have a boyfreind, write Otabek's book, and fill his commitments

Otabek noticed within the first few weeks that something was wrong, but he had just tried to be more and more supportive

It wasn't until mid-March that everything went off the rails

With working more and sleeping less, Yuri was getting more and more tired, earlier and earlier, and Otabek had started noticing

To make matters even worse, they had hit the point in their relationship where they had started sleeping together, and Otabek spent the night enough that Yuri had started to consider just asking him to move in come April, when he would be done with enough of his work that he could have some of his mental faculties back, but the downside to all of this was that, with Otabek around, alot of his staying-awake methods had been terribly ruined

Anything loud or excessively noisy was out automatically, and anything that might make him scream was also out

He was thankfull that Otabek was a nurse who worked relatively early shifts, so he was never suspicious of the fact that Yuri always stayed up later than he did and Yuri could still work downstairs mostly uninhibited

The cold showers were mostly ditched though, not wanting the unnecessary risk of waking his boyfreind with the sound of running water

But that was why this particular night was such a blessing

Yuri hadn't slept in over twenty-four hours at this point, and he was desperate for something that would keep him awake long enough to finish his work

He had started becoming immune to some of his former methods

Hot sauce did nothing this time around, and seemingly no amount of stimulation like loud music or bright lights could make a dent

He was starting to get desperate, the further behind he fell, and when he noticed the rainstorm outside...

It was like his prayers had been answered

He forced himself out of the living room and out of the house, the freezing cold rain like little razors against his skin as he walked outside to let the cold wake him

It wasn't enough though, it wasn't... it wasn't _ENOUGH_

Realizing that there was only one thing left, he took a shaking breath and made his way in the direction of one of the trees, inhaling through his nose a few times before steadying himself in front of the biggest tree he could find, and then, as hard as he could, slamming his head towards the trunk

~+~

Yuri jolted awake

He panted softly, wincing at the pain in his head and sitting up straight

It was only after he had blinked himself into awareness that he noticed three things:

1\. He had fallen asleep- _dammit_! That meant his work was late....

2\. He wasn't in his bedroom- or any other part of his house

And 3. .... He had an IV in his arm

..........

Well _this_ certainly wasn't good

Cursing under his breath, he looked over to see Viktor, of all people, asleep in the chair next to the bed, his husband- the other Yuri- sitting a few feet away in another chair, having apparently been reading a comic book until he heard Yuri's fuss and looked up, a gentle and sweet smile on his face

_Sickening_, really...

"Hi Yura, how are you feeling?"

"What the fuck am I doing here and why the fuck are you two here too?"

"O-Oh um.... well, Otabek said he heard something weird last night and went to check it out.. and found you passed out outside.... he brought you in- don't worry, he made sure to keep it under the radar- and he called Viktor and I so you wouldn't wake up alone, he had to work a few hours ago so..."

"And why am I here?" Yuri growled back

The other Yuri looked... sad.... at that question, wich, if anything, just made the blonde even more annoyed and frustrated

"Yura.... I know-.. _we_ know what you've been doing,"

"Meaning what?" Yuri grumbled back at the other writer

For a moment, a long moment, Viktor's husband was quiet, before putting his comic book down on the table next to him and reaching down to start rolling up his pant leg

Yuri's eyes were narrowed, right up until he saw the small pile of scars decorating the other Yuri's thigh

For a long moment, things were quiet, before the blonde spoke again

"I don't do that,"

"No, but you do a _version_ of it, self-harm isn't always razor blades and it isn't always about hurting yourself, sometimes hurting yourself is just a consequence, not the main purpose,"

Yuri's jaw tensed, his eyes narrowing

"What the fuck are you trying to say?"

"I'm saying that I used to be like you, I wouldn't sleep, and I didn't want to hurt myself but I needed the pain,"

Yuri..... wasn't sure what to make of that

He went quiet for a moment, before ultimately urging the other Yuri on

".......Why?"

"I've... always had really intense night terrors, and sleep paralysis, I used to try to just... avoid sleeping to keep them away, and when that didn't work I'd cut, I did everything I could to keep myself awake and when I couldn't, I would make sure that my body hurt enough that the pain in my mind was barely noticeable, my family was so worried about me.. no matter how well I thought I was concealing it, they knew something was wrong, and they did everything they could to help me and support me and... maybe that's why it never went further than 'just' cutting but... it was never enough for me to quit entirely,"

Yuri shifted a little, looking down at his hands

".....What..... made you stop then?"

"I started writing what I was dreaming, started writing what was bothering me, I'd write my dreams and turn them into something funny or give them a happy ending and that would give me my power back and take the power away from the nightmares, they couldn't scare me anymore then,"

Yuri looked down and nodded slowly, picking at the blanket in front of him

"Yura... you.... you know that you can't keep this up, right?" the other Yuri asked quietly, biting his lip

"You know that this is dangerous, right? Otabek is willing to keep this quiet for now and let you go without contacting the psych ward, but only this once, Viktor and I managed to convince him that it wouldn't happen again but-"

"You had no right to say that," Yuri grumbled, snarling lowly at him

"....I know that, but we didn't want things to get out of hand, we know how much that would rip you apart, we.. both think that it would harm more than help...."

"How the fuck would Viktor know? You..... _maybe_, but he doesn't-"

"I think he understands more than you realize," the other said suddenly, cutting Yuri off as he reached out and gently slid the collar of Viktor's shirt down to reveal a small semi-colon tattoo resting on the side of his neck

....Fuck....

"Why...?"

"It isn't my story to tell, I wouldn't have shown you but... I know how he is, he'd rather people know, if it could help them, than not know, that's why he has the tattoo,"

"So, what? What do you think is going to happen? I form some sort of connection to you two and decide not to keep myself awake anymore? Let my work suffer because I'm trying to stick to some rules that you losers lay out for me?"

"No," the other Yuri shrugged

"But there has to be another way, that's all I'm saying, if there was another way for me to deal with my nightmares than there's got to be another way for you to deal with _this_,"

"Infuse caffeine directly into my veins?"

"No," the other Yuri snorted softly

"Then how in the fuck am I supposed to stay awake!?"

"You're not, that's the entire point, it isn't just about the methods you use being bad but about not letting yourself rest in the first place, you aren't a machine Yura, you're a human being, and you deserve to REST, not work yourself to the bone,"

"If I don't 'work myself to the bone' I'll never keep up with it all," Yuri explained with a loud sigh

"I just can't.... produce as much as I need to, as fast as I need to.... the only way is like this...."

"You can't produce that much but neither can anyone else, you've got way too much going on and you need to cut back, Yakov will understand and if he doesn't then Viktor will _make_ him understand, but you can't keep doing this to yourself Yura,"

"Don't you get it?! I CAN'T cut back, I CAN'T take breaks! In this world you have to produce content all the fucking time because the minute you stop people forget who you are and if that happens then your entire career is over!!"

"I hardly think that putting out one novel a year instead of two or not over-committing to promotional work is going to cause people to forget who you are, but even if it did, your career is not more important than your life,"

"Yes it is!!"

"Mmm... what.... is going on...?" Viktor mumbled as he woke up, only taking a moment to register everything around him before taking note of the blonde and beaming with excitement and releif

"Yura!! You're awake!! Oh good!!"

"Vitya, I'm going to go get some coffee, ok?" Yuri- the other Yuri- said softly, kissing his husband's cheek as he stood up from his chair

"Yura was just telling me how he believes his career is more important than his life,"

"Gee, thanks for snitching, bitch," Yuri grumbled as the brunette smiled pleasantly and waved, exiting the room

Great, now he was going to get a lecture from the person he wanted to hear it from the least

Fucking perfect

"....Have you seen my tattoo?" Viktor asked after a moment, forcing Yuri to resist the urge to roll his eyes

"The semi-colon? Yeah, you're a suicide survivor, I'm... aware,"

"Oh, that makes this much easier then,"

Viktor smiled in a way that was far too easy and sweet for the topic at hand, in Yuri's opinion

"Do you know why I started writing horror, Yura?"

"You like the genre?" he guessed half-heartedly, earning a head shake from Viktor

"No, well- ... yes, I do like the genre but that isn't what started it, I... used to have these recurring nightmares, when I was younger, they were terrible, sometimes I would wake up and I couldn't even move, other times I would wake up in a cold sweat and screaming... they just... they never went away, no matter what I did, the only way I ever eased them was by writing about them, they wouldn't be so bad, sometimes I'd even get a break from them, and I found that the more I wrote, the better I felt about those horrible dreams, I... started to become kind of superstitious in fact, I started believing that if I wrote a good enough story, my dreams would stop entirely, and then slowly I started associating my writing with my self-worth, I believed that if I couldn't write a good story, then I was just... useless as a human being, I didn't deserve to live any longer, that all I could do, all I was worth, was my writing, that thought process became very toxic as you can imagine, and I fell into a deep depression because of it, so deep that I couldn't write, no matter how bad my nightmares became, no matter how much they ate away at me, I just couldn't write.... and believe me, they _tried_ to consume me, I felt so exhausted all the time, I... started to waste away really, I couldn't eat, I couldn't _think_, I was just... hollow.... one night I just came to the conclusion that I would never write again, and if that was true, why keep living? So... I left a message for Yakov and told him to take Makkachin to my freind Chris, knowing Yakov wouldn't get it until morning, until........ _after_...... I was going to drown- wich, as an aside, is a horrible idea from a death perspective, drowning is a _terrible_ way to go, but I wanted it to be artistic and that was always worth the pain to me, wich is... very in charector for my entire life I suppose, but... anyway, I went down to the beach, and as I stared out into the water, preparing myself to tread into it and never come back, the most amazing thing happened,"

"You had an epiphany that you were being stupid?" Yuri guessed dryly

"No, I... I met Yuri," Viktor said with a laugh

"He was out jogging, trying to avoid sleeping because he was having nightmares too, he was so tired though that he didn't even see me and literally ran into me, we had coffee and talked and suddenly I didn't want to die anymore- I mean, I still felt like shit, don't get me wrong, but.... it was like I was standing in a dark tunnel and Yuri was this... faint, beautifull light at the end of it, I could see it, I couldn't reach it yet, but I could _see_ it... and that was enough, we started working together, I started helping him with his writing- well, really, with his promoting, his writing was already where it needed to be, he jut needed to promote it better so he could actually sell it and make a living, and as I did that, my inspiration began to return and I started writing again, but more importantly than that, I started connecting my self-worth to something other than my writing, Yuri helped me see that I could do more, I could _be_ more, and it didn't require anything of me at all except... to _live_, Yuri loved me regardless of my writing, even though he'd been a fan, he loved me even when I was in the _worst_ place, and whenever I started getting bad again, he was there to help me stay afloat, and... I was there for him too, eventually the nightmares went away for both of us, when we finally stopped connecting our worth to our work, we still love writing but it's no longer the most controlling factor in our lives,"__

_ _That story had an impact on Yuri... but probably not that one Viktor was hoping for_ _

_ _Something had caught his attention, something that made him go pale_ _

_ _"When... did you start having these nightmares, Viktor?"_ _

_ _"Hm? Oh I don't know, when I was... eleven or twelve maybe? It was actually right after I started writing, I had started with Harry Potter fanfiction and before I knew it I was writing my own material,"_ _

_ _"And what about your husband? When did his start?"_ _

_ _"I.... don't know? Younger, maybe?"_ _

_ _"When did he start writing?"_ _

_ _"I- ... nine... ten...? I don't know, he's always liked to dabble in storytelling... why?"_ _

_ _"Because I started writing poetry when I was twelve and the nightmares began shortly after that," Yuri replied with seriousness_ _

_ _"That's... quite a coinc-"_ _

_ _"What are your nightmares about?"_ _

_ _"Um... lots of things? Really, it's.... very.... there are alot of things.... but the most recurring one I have is about this old... Baba Yaga type of woman, this old hag, she keeps trying to take my soul and... those are always when I experience sleep paralysis.. she sits on my chest and tells me that I'm worthless, that I'm useless without my writing, that-"_ _

_ _"You should suffer," Yuri interrupted quietly_ _

_ _"That... your life is only worth living if you're successfull and that you'll be successfull if you write about her,"_ _

_ _"How... did you know that?" Viktor frowned_ _

_ _"Because I have the same woman in _my_ dreams, what about your husband? Does he see her too?"_ _

_ _"I... don't know, we really don't talk about our dreams much, it's sort of a sore spot so..."_ _

_ _"Ask him then,"_ _

_ _Viktor swallowed tightly, his hands curling into fists at his sides_ _

_ _"Yura.... what exactly are you trying to imply here?"_ _

_ _"I don't know yet," Yuri replied quietly, letting his head rest against his nees and pulling them closer to his chest_ _

_ _"But I'm starting to wonder if it's really a coincidence that the three of us have all had these problems... that we're all successfull horror writers, who started when we were children and have had chronic nightmares that inspire our books and seem to base our worth on our work..."_ _

_ _"You think it's something supernatural?" Viktor asked with a hint of skepticism_ _

_ _"Does this really sound like a coincidence to you?" Yuri frowned back, narrowing his eyes_ _

_ _"...Good point,"_ _

_ _Yuri tensed, sucking on his bottom lip_ _

_ _"So, what are you going to do then?" Viktor asked_ _

_ _"I'm going to fucking beat her," Yuri replied with determination_ _

_ _"If she's trying to kill us by working us to death- or driving us to suicide- then I'm not going to fucking let her! You got rid of the dreams when you stopped letting them influence you, right?"_ _

_ _"That's right, that's why, after meeting Yuri, more of my books started to have happy endings, and I started including more romantic subplots, I.. changed the way I was writing and I became even more successfull for it, the depressing aspects I had before that people didn't like were gone, my books are more well rounded now, I think,"_ _

_ _"But my point is that you stopped letting that hag influence your thought process, you stopped believing her, and the nightmares eventually stopped, right?"_ _

_ _"...Yes, right,"_ _

_ _"Then that's what I'm going to do too," Yuri said simply, his eyes practically burning with frustration that he had ever let himself be manipulated like this in the first place_ _

_ _For Viktor, personally, he wasn't really sure if he believed in what Yuri was talking about_ _

_ _He was a believer in the supernatural but this... nightmare hag thing just sounded too outlandish for him_ _

_ _But if this was what Yuri needed to give himself a different perspective and stop the harm he was causing to himself, then that's what Viktor would let him- _help_ him- to believe_ _

_ _Viktor didn't want to see his young freind travel down the same road he had gone down, he didn't want to find Yuri in the ocean..._ _

_ _And Yuri may not consider them freinds, but Viktor sure as hell did_ _

_ _"Ok," he said simply, reaching out and gently but firmly taking Yuri's hand, forcing a smile_ _

_ _"If you're going to beat this thing, Yura, then I'm going to help you, she tormented me and my Yuri too remember? I'm not going to let her get away without a fight,"_ _

_ _Yuri chuckled, a smirk on his face_ _

_ _"You know that sentence was grammatically incorrect, right?"_ _

_ _Viktor gasped in mock horror, putting a hand to his chest, totally offended_ _

_ _"Yura!"_ _

_ _"Well you're a writer, you should fucking know that,"_ _

_ _"Oh Yura you've wounded me!"_ _

_ _"Good,"_ _

_ _It wasn't much but... it was a start_ _

_ _Yuri decided that if he was going to defeat this thing, then he'd need all the help he could get, and if that meant making peace with Viktor and the other Yuri...._ _

_ _Well, it was a start_ _

_ _

_ _~+~_ _

_ _

_ _The other Yuri was a little more hesitant to believe Yuri's theory than Viktor had been_ _

_ _Not because he didn't believe Yuri, but because, to him, writing his dreams had helped him stop hurting himself, not caused it_ _

_ _To him, the experiences were more positive_ _

_ _Though that didn't change the fact that he had still had horrible night terrors that had left him mentally wrecked for days at a time_ _

_ _He ultimately decided to help with Yuri's cause, but Yuri had a feeling it had more to do with being "a good freind" and "a nice person" than it did with getting rid of the hag_ _

_ _That was fine, whatever worked_ _

_ _They talked to Yakov- together, all three of them- and talked his workload down to something a little more reasonable_ _

_ _It was still an insane amount by most people's standards, but Yuri was much more confident that he could handle it now, even with time being taken away from his work by Otabek, who he was spending more and more time with and falling deeper in love with as each day passed by_ _

_ _Otabek made him strive to be better_ _

_ _He made him want to be more_ _

_ _He made him want to be better than what the nightmare hag was trying to turn him into_ _

_ _And Viktor and his husband were there for him too, trying to push him harder in all of the right directions, not so willing to see him slide back down into the path of intense overworking that he had been going down before_ _

_ _By the time the next winter came, Yuri was.... _better__ _

_ _He still had urges sometimes to push himself harder, but whenever those urges arose, he just held himself against Otabek and tried to drive them away, or called Viktor to launch into a rant about whatever fan thing he could think of that would release his anger in a more "constructive" way- because apparently screaming about the direction The Walking Dead had gone in was "constructive" compared to pouring himself into writing so hard that he was damn near ruined from it_ _

_ _He and the other Yuri liked to share things with eachother online, wich had been something of a hard pill for Yuri to swallow, finding out that they actually had similar taste in things like cute animal videos and cartoons_ _

_ _He kept up his painting and had started making promotional images for his books, a good way to keep people interested without killing himself for it_ _

_ _He purposely spent more time with Potya and after six months together Otabek had officially moved in and adopted a a Dachshund, who he had named Charlie, after the lesbian protagonist in "Stone Creek"_ _

_ _By the time Otabek's birthday rolled around, Yuri had finished the book he said he'd write for his boyfreind, and he had negotiated with Yakov to publish it next, letting the novel they had previously agreed upon go fourth in his line up rather than third_ _

_ _Things were going outstandingly well, and as they started preparing for Christmas again, Otabek had a surprise to present to his boyfreind_ _

_ _"You... wrote something for me?"_ _

_ _"It's nothing that big it's just... a poem," Otabek muttered quietly, his face pink as he shoved the papper at his boyfreind_ _

_ _There was no particular occasion for it, Christmas was still over a month away, but Otabek had been so touched by Yuri's gift to him that he had wanted to give him something special in return_ _

_ _Yuri's expression was gentle and warm as he leaned over and gave his boyfreind a kiss, wrapping his arms around him and sliding into his lap_ _

_ _"This is the best thing that anyone has ever given to me, thank you..."_ _

_ _"Trust me," Otabek said softly_ _

_ _"You deserve it,"_ _

_ _

_ _~+~_ _

_ _

_ _Yuri's nightmares had stopped around September_ _

_ _It had taken a long time for the hag to get the message that he was done listening to her, done letting her control his life_ _

_ _But eventually, she had laid off, just like he had believed she would_ _

_ _Viktor had suggested the three of them get matching tattoos for all surviving something so harrowing_ _

_ _Yuri was hesitant- he liked the idea of getting a tattoo but matching with the other two was a little too cute for his taste, and the other Yuri was dreadfully needle-phobic and hesitant to agree to a tattoo at all_ _

_ _It was a work in progress, he figured_ _

_ _No one had to make any decisions any time soon, necessarily_ _

_ _He had started sketching out potential designs though, just in case they went through with it_ _

_ _It was just a random Thursday night in November, Otabek sleeping next to him as Yuri dragged the pen over the page again and again_ _

_ _He had made a sort of pact that when Otabek went to bed, he would get off of his computer- unless he was _really_ on a roll, then he'd allow himself an extra hour_ _

_ _But Yuri was still much more of a night person than his boyfreind and usually spent another hour or so awake drawing or reading or even playing solitaire on his phone_ _

_ _This wasn't unusual_ _

_ _Just as he was getting ready to turn off the booklight and go to sleep though, he heard a terrible, ragged gasping sound_ _

_ _Concerned, he looked over, noticing the distressed look on Otabek's face as his boyfreind flinched and twitched in his sleep_ _

_ _...A nightmare...._ _

_ _"H-Hey... Beka? Beka wake up!" he frowned, reaching out to shake his boyfreind as hard as he could_ _

_ _"Beka!? BEKA!!!"_ _

_ _Otabek finally gasped, jerking upright, his heart racing in his chest as he looked around the room in a panic, before finally his eyes landed on Yuri and he sighed quietly in releif_ _

_ _"Are... you ok....?" Yuri asked slowly_ _

_ _"Yeah I just..... weird.... nightmare..." he muttered back, rubbing his eyes_ _

_ _"What was it about?" Yuri asked quietly, wrapping an arm around Otabek's shoulders_ _

_ _"Ah.... I don't know, it's... foggy...... some weird old woman.... trying to choke me... some kind of... of..."_ _

_ _"Hag...." Yuri concluded quietly_ _

_ _"Yeah... how did you know?"_ _

_ _Yuri gritted his teeth, eyes narrowing_ _

_ _"Trust me......... I have experience....."_ _


End file.
